Relationship red flags only look red in hindsight.

When we first start dating someone we are effectively colorblind.

While we might see subtle signs at the start, like the way they treated the waiter at the restaurant or how they handle their emotions, we can easily dismiss them or explain them away.

But after the dust settles and the endorphins wear off, you start to see red flags for what they are: toxic behavior.

Don’t be beat yourself up.

Red flags are difficult to spot when you think you’re in love.

Clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo explains why toxic behaviors are hard to spot:

(1) they come in many different (and often highly attractive) packages,

(2) the people who deploy them are very good at it and

(3) we’re going in with an open heart — not a suspicious one.

Don’t repeat the mistakes of the past. Here are 6subtle red flags to look out for in your next partner.

#1 How They Treat Their Ex-Partner(s)

The line between enemy and friend is thin.

The line between partner and ex-partner is even thinner.

You might be one serious argument away from a breakup. You can quickly be their next ex-partner and enemy.

If the person you are dating has had a series of dramatic and tumultuous break-ups, you might want to keep note.

I am not saying everyone has to be best friends with their exes but knowing how people handle conflict and emotions during a relationship is a preview of the relationship you will share with them.

Past behavior is not the best indicator of future behavior but it is still the most reliable indicator we have.

I have a friend whose breakups are always explosive. She publicly shames each of her ex-partners on social media. She even faced a lawsuit for defaming one of them.

The best way to avoid relationship conflict is to stay clear of dating high-conflict people.

#2 How They Treat Their Parents

If they treat their parents poorly, how do you think they will treat you in a relationship?

Our parents provide the first model of relationships we see.

For better or worst, most of our behavior is modeled on what we grew up seeing, hearing and witnessing.

Unresolved emotional issues with parents will bleed into your relationship.

It will impact everything you do:

How you communicate, show intimacy and handle disagreements.

What is not resolved is repeated.

#3 How They Treat Others

Watch how they treat people they perceive to be above and below them.

Are they rude and condescending to waiters?

Do they show fake admiration for people they think could benefit them?

Do they make nasty comments or judgments about strangers?

These small amounts of disrespect are signs of a manipulative personality with a healthy dose of narcissism.

#4 How They Handle Their Emotions

No emotions are bad. Only your reaction to them is.

I once dated someone for a year who struggled to regulate her emotions. Everyone feels angry, frustrated and even insecure at times. But the smallest bump in the road would make her crumble.

A negative comment from her parents would ruin her whole week. A tough workday would result in tears over the entire night. A poorly timed attempt at humor and we could be arguing for an entire weekend.

She took whatever happened to her as a license to make her feelings paramount over everything else. Even our relationship. I served as her unlicensed therapist who didn’t get paid.

Her reactions to these daily annoyances seemed way out of proportion. She could go from happy to upset quickly. I was always on edge about when her next emotional switch was going to happen.

After less than a year, I was burned out. I stopped enjoying my time with her and found myself becoming increasingly avoidant. I developed my own anxiety issues and called time on the relationship shortly after.

Low emotional intelligence is a relationship killer.

#5 How They Handle Boundaries

Independence outside of a relationship is healthy.

Do they expect you to always prioritize them over your friends, hobbies and family? Do they try to take your time away from these activities?

Toxic partners will constantly pressure you to change your plans.

They want a monopoly over your time. You might interpret this as a compliment but I see this as a lack of respect for boundaries and a sign of insecurity or lack of trust.

When you give in to their demands, it gives them an instant feeling of validation which, sadly for everyone, is fleeting.

If you’re not careful you’ll be isolated from your friends and have no time to engage in the activities that bring you joy. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you lose everything that gives you an identity.

#6 How They Tell Stories of the Past

How do they cast themselves in their stories?

Do they play the lead role? Or do they always seem like a victim of their circumstances?

A lack of consistency in how they tell stories about their past is a major red flag. Do facts change after a couple of months? Is a new part of the story added in when more information is revealed?

I dated a girl who was always the victim. No matter what the circumstances. She just had a massive fight with her sister and couldn’t understand why her sister was so mad at her. She made her sister seem crazy and irrational.

But it eventually came out that she had slept with several of her sister’s boyfriends in the past, which is why her sister distrusted her so much.

Even then, she refused to admit that she was in the wrong and blamed the actions of the boyfriends instead.

I eventually broke things off once I realized how comfortable she was lying or at least not telling the full truth. I am a naturally curious person and will ask questions to establish logic and objective facts.

Don’t take every story at face value.

Eventually, if you dig below the surface story, you’ll find the real story.

This habit of concealing the truth or their past hides deeper insecurities. You might also see a tendency to jump from different friendship groups or frequently change jobs or a string of broken relationships with friends and family.

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