The Most Important Story in Your Life Is the One You Tell Yourself.
You can change your life simply by telling yourself a new story.
Our life is the creation of our minds. And we do much of that creating with stories.
Stories help to make sense of the chaotic and random world we live in. Stories don’t just describe what’s happened, they help us determine what will happen. Real or perceived. Fictional or grounded in reality.
The power of stories is undeniable.
People will live and die for the stories they believe in. Religion and politics are stories about the world. Entire civilizations are built on the back of ancient stories of war, triumph and overcoming hardship.
Stories shape our experiences, structure our reality and color our interpretations. There is no objective experience of reality. We create the reality we live in.
“With the wrong metaphor, we are deluded; with no metaphor, we are blind”— Jonathan Haidt.
The story you tell yourself is the story you become. You can’t escape from yourself. At best you could numb yourself selves from painful stories. Drugs, food or cheap sex.
But these are only temporary. A band-aid holding back an inevitable storm.
You don’t get a choice between having a story or not having a story. The real choice is whether you have an unconscious or a conscious story.
If you don’t know what story you’re telling yourself, you don’t know what invisible scripts are running in the background of your life. What do you tell yourself when you experience failure, fear or adversity?
Tough question, I know. But questions you can’t answer are better than answers you can’t question.
You are going to spend the rest of your life with yourself. Only death can give you an escape. So you might as well take the time to understand the stories and metaphors you tell yourself. Stories are the hidden catalyst for growth.
“Knowing others is wisdom. Knowing yourself is enlightenment.”
— Lao Tzu
The story you tell yourself about fear.
When it comes to fear, our minds become J.K Rolling.
We are the world’s best fiction writers when it comes to fear. But instead of imagining flying wizards and talking wands, we manufacture terror and dread.
The majority of our fears are a mask our insecurities wear. But rather than unmasking our insecurities, we create stories to keep them hidden.
These stories keep us safe. But that doesn’t help with moving our life forward. Without knowing exactly what you fear you will never be able to take the right steps to overcome your fears. You can’t change what you refuse to see.
I’ve written previously about how I fear that people won’t love me unless I am successful and constantly achieving. It is a disease that keeps me unhappy. But through effort, I’ve learned not to ignore it.
Meditation has enabled me to talk to my fears. I’ve thanked them for keeping me safe and embraced the strengths they give me. Acknowledging my fears reduces the power they have over me.
Instead of letting my fears take control of me, I’ve learned to use them productively.
What stories do you tell yourself about your fears? Did you create this story or was this something you were told? You would be surprised by what answers might come out.
Addressing our fears means identifying our insecurities. You don’t need to do this alone. You are the author. But even the best authors have a team of editors and fact-checkers.
The story you tell yourself about relationships.
Your early childhood relationships will determine the quality of relationships you will have in your life.
Developmental psychologist John Bowlby pioneered research into how the attachments you formed to your early caregivers can predict the attachments you form in your future friendships and romantic relationships.
We are naturally predisposed to a certain attachment style, but environmental factors and early experiences can shift our preferences one way or another.
These include anxious, avoidant or secure attachment styles that are covered in the book, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
If you experienced a cold and distant mother, your attachment style will lean towards being anxious. You constantly worry about your partner abandoning you. You crave closeness and connection.
If your mother was emotionally unpredictable and frequently disappointed you, you’ll develop an avoidant attachment style. You value freedom over the connection. You are sensitive to any infringement on your independence.
If you experienced a loving and responsive mother, your attachment style will be secure. You are comfortable with intimacy and actively avoid drama. You can set healthy boundaries and rarely worry about a relationship.
We are a mix of all three, but one attachment style is always dominant. The early relationship stories we created during childhood transfer into the stories we have as adults.
While these stories may have kept us safe when we were children, they can be dysfunctional when applied to adulthood. If you think one way about relationships, you will act in ways to reinforce that belief.
If you’re anxious, you might panic at the first sign of abandonment. If you’re avoidant, you might flee at the first sign of intimacy. Further reinforcing your beliefs that you are not worthy of love.
Understanding your attachment style can be as simple as looking at patterns in your dating and relationship history.
What sort of behaviors did you do when you felt jealous? Did you engage in protest behaviors? Are you able to talk openly and honestly about your feelings? Or do you avoid the situation completely?
The story you tell yourself about money.
When it comes to money, everyone is irrational.
Everyone’s choices and decisions when it comes to money stem from the story they tell themselves about it. The patterns of how you spend, save, and accumulate money are a reflection of your story.
Even seemingly irrational decisions, when placed within the context of the person’s psychology, can be understood.
You still don’t have to agree with it, but you can at least understand it.
My parents refuse to invest in the stock market. They stockpile all their life savings in a bank account. No matter how much I tell them their money is becoming worthless by the day due to inflation, they don’t seem to care.
But once you understand they were raised by parents who grew up during the Great Depression in the 1930s, you start to get a clearer picture. All my grandparents experienced was the fallout of speculation on the stock market.
Subsequently, my parents grew up with the story of avoiding any sort of risk when it comes to money. And if you can’t physically see an investment, it’s not real. I don’t agree with them, but I understand why they do what they do.
If you view money as evil or accumulating wealth as exploitation, you will never really have either. Money is nothing but a mode of value exchange and storage. Whatever else you tell yourself about money is your story.
Remember to let go or be dragged.
Your attachment to the stories you tell yourself can be a liability or an asset.
Tell yourself a good story and your life will be positively impacted.
Continue to repeat a bad story and your life will be negatively impacted.
Stories are a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe in something, you will act in ways to reinforce that belief. The perception of your story determines the perception of your choices.
The great news is that you can decide today to edit your story. Revise words. Use new paragraphs. Change the meaning assigned to the ending. The story of your life is always being written and rewritten.
You might have a tough origin story today. But the sequel you write tomorrow can be transformative.
Summary:
Stories shape your life. They make your future. They decide your perception. They guide your actions. They ultimately create the world you live in.
But remember:
The stories you tell yourself are written in pencil, not carved in stone.
There is no publication deadline.
Remember that you are the author of the stories you tell yourself. You get to decide what gets written, published and distributed throughout your mind.
Some stories might need an external editor. Others might need minor adjustments.
Tell yourself a better story to have a better life.
___________________________________________
If you enjoyed this article, you can connect with me HERE.
You can also support more of my work by becoming a Medium Member using my referral link: michael-lim.medium.com
