Experiencing Adversity Might Be The Best Thing For Your Life. But Only If You Use It Right.

Adversity can help you evolve or turn you into a victim. The choice is yours.

The events in your life have no meaning.

This is not to say that events in your life are not meaningful.

I have a bundle of shirts given to me by my late grandfather. This fabric has no objective meaning outside of my family, but yet it remains meaningful to me. A reminder of the life he lived and the opportunities and sacrifices he made.

As humans, we give meaning to what happens to us. Good or bad. Real or perceived. The meaning we create can be fictional stories or grounded in reality.

A mixture of your past experiences, personality and level of self-awareness will determine how you choose to interpret events that happen to you.

With the right mindset, any adversity you experience can be used as a catalyst for future growth. With the wrong mindset, even good things can be turned into evidence that you are a terrible human being.

You get to decide how you choose to use adversity in your life.

The power of constructing a story

When it comes to the stories we tell ourselves, the facts matter less than the narrative. The story you tell yourself doesn’t have to be true to be effective.

The Bible has wild and outlandish stories that defy the basic laws of physics and biology. That doesn’t prevent it from being the most-read book in the world or for devoted followers to treat the gospel like law.

Our stories can be based on facts, attached closely to reality, or loosely based on real events. We determine what story we decide to tell ourselves.

Every story is a slight exaggeration of the truth. And that’s what makes them so powerful.

Stories are a composition of what we choose to include, what we choose to exclude and what we choose to emphasize and diminish. History is written by those who survive. And we curate the stories we want to hear.

When events happen in our lives, there is an objective meaning. We ascribe the meaning afterward. We narrate our experiences to give them context and meaning. We create stories so we can explain the cause-and-effect of events.

“In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning” — Viktor Frankl

Even random events such as the sudden death of a family member or a job loss can feel disorientating if they aren’t given a narrative for why they happened. We need stories to provide meaning or we feel lost.

We might use spirituality or religion to help provide meaning to someone’s death. Or the cosmic belief — “it was meant to happen” — to move past a job loss.

Either way, we get to decide what story we construct and whether it moves us forward or backward.

Victim mentality produces victim results

Do you know how much a victim mentality helps your life?

None. Nada. Nothing.

I am not saying you’re not allowed to be sad, feel grief or mourn the loss of something or someone. You’re human with real emotions. But don’t let adversity define your identity as a victim.

If you cast yourself as a victim, you give all the power to the events that happen to you. You lose your sense of internal control. Things in life seem to happen to you rather than because of you.

Victim mentality produces a victim’s meaning. People feel sorry for you. You get lots of attention and support. People will even forgive the role you might have played to contribute to poor outcomes in your life.

But you learn nothing. You limit your growth and give away your power to control your life. You become a person that can’t take charge of events in your life.

Playing the victim means you suffer twice. Once when adversity strikes. Second in how you respond.

While being the victim can be comforting in the short term, embracing the victim mentality will strip you of your agency and ability to take actions to control your life. You lose all sense of personal responsibility.

How to use adversity better

Adversity can be a catalyst for growth or be the shovel that digs your pit of despair. Just like how a hammer can be used to build a house or break your thumb, you have a choice in how you use adversity to shape your life.

No ownership means no growth.

You play a role in every situation. Whether as the star actor, supporting cast, background extra or executive producer. Recognizing and owning your actions and behaviors allows you to take ownership.

Ownership precedes growth. If you don’t own what you do. You can’t learn what you experience. You can’t grow from a situation you refuse to take responsibility for.

No learning means no growth.

Experiencing adversity does not automatically guarantee you will grow.

Some people experience adversity but don’t take the time to reflect and learn from their journey. They repeat their mistakes or worse, fall into a victim mentality trap.

Experiencing difficulties without any reflection provides zero meaning to your life. You gain no benefit from your struggle. It would be like eating food without digesting it.

Take time to sit with your emotions. Understand what you need to do to improve next time. “We do not learn from experience. We learn from reflecting on the experience,” writes John Dewey

No challenge means no immunity.

Like a vaccine, experiencing adversity can innoculate you from the impacts of future adversity.

Just remember that the worse experience in your life is the worst thing you’ve experienced in your life. Some people have a high threshold. Others crumble at the slightest hint of a challenge.

If you haven’t experienced much adversity, you won’t have the necessary tools and ability to overcome future adversity.

A painful breakup of a 5-year relationship was one of the most devastating things I’ve experienced. I wasn’t the same person for almost a year. And it took me a long time to feel comfortable with myself again.

But after that experience, I am better equipped to deal with future adversity, in relationships or otherwise.

Summary

When we incur setbacks or go through difficult periods, constructing a narrative impacts our thoughts and behavior. We have a choice in the story we decide to construct.

Facing desirable difficulties, taking ownership and giving yourself time to reflect on them will provide the necessary environment to construct a story for your adversity.

___________________________________________

If you enjoyed this article, you can connect with me HERE.

You can also support more of my work by becoming a Medium Member using my referral link: michael-lim.medium.com